Author’s Note: I wrote this in 2023, and honestly, this was me figuring it out in real time. I wasn’t fully settled into the woman I was becoming yet. I was writing from the experience and understanding I had at the time, which doesn’t fully represent where I am now. I’m sharing this because I believe someone needs to see the journey, not just the destination. Growth is a process, and every version of me along the way matters.
In life, we can encounter people we thought meant us well, only for time to tell us their true intentions. When relationships end in trauma, we want to flee everything associated with what we once enjoyed. I always thought leaving one location for another, all the people issues would go away, and I would meet people just for me. Newsflash, people will still be people in another place, state, job, or country. You might even run into people in the new place with the same personalities and tendencies you ran away from, which will ultimately lead you to be triggered. When were going through difficulties in life, we fail to recognize the lesson because we don’t take time to reflect on why it happened in the first place. (Guilty)
So we can leave one place and end up being in a replay in another.
We lack quality in certain areas because we run away from reality instead of facing it and educating ourselves. For example, we keep ending up in low-quality relationships because maybe we have never seen healthy ones or knew what they required.
When things happen in our life, we avoid the why. When I was over having the same experiences, I finally wanted to figure out why I kept getting the same results. That led me to increase my knowledge in that area. I had to ask myself why did that situation make me mad? Why do I feel this way when I see this person? What is causing my anxiety? Once I finally took time to reflect, I noticed I did not have relational intelligence (Who even knew that was a thing?) or simple strategies to help me emotionally.
I was a naive and gullible young woman. So I was naive to the fact that people will not always be who you want them to be. I would always hear when people show you who they are believe them. However, my belief was built on faith and potential. I saw what they would do but thought they would change. Why? Because I thought if we are all in Christ or believe in him, we would treat those around us differently. Boy, did God take me to people school. I am a church girl, and I just thought anybody in the church house was good people. I then learned it doesn’t matter where you meet anyone, whether in a good setting (church) or bad (whatever that may be to you); people will still be people. I can see how some will end up leaving the church because they have expectations of what church people should be like when they are coming to heal themselves. It’s not God who is hurting us but I can see how those experiences can make people leave God and church altogether. We just have to remember God didn’t hurt us it was just people being people.
On the other hand, I was fantasizing about a person’s potential; half the time, my best moments concerning them would be what I imagined in my mind but not in real life. We spend our lives trying to make people become what they are not, leaving us frustrated. We’re frustrated when they are only being who they are.
These moments in my life were happening to help me know how to choose people better. The experience allowed me to experience how people can be so that I would get to a place of limited access. Also for me to recognize characteristics to avoid. Just because you call me a friend and clap for my success does not mean you’re my friend. People stand for the president, too; does that mean they like him? In the new place discernment was still required. Yes I can be cordial but it takes time to learn people before you tell them your whole life story. I had to learn to use caution before trust. I say this often, but it takes time to know someone. Why? Because over time, you learn that some people may be gossipers, some may be jealous, an enemy, competitive, etc., and if you don’t give people the time to show who they are you end up being bruised in the end. Then depending on how detrimental it is you spend your whole life trying to recover.
I had to learn what a friend was for me. I had to learn what type of characteristics in a mate are good for me. If you never sit down to think about these things how can you know to look for them? Or if you ever befriend someone and they weren’t what you expected how would you know the type of friend you need, if you don’t reflect? Life may be just happening and turning out any kind of way because your not taking the time to think about it. We have these experiences to help us make better choices. If I didn’t have the experience of inconsistent or wish-washy people, I wouldn’t understand my need for loyal people. So why keep expecting someone to be different after you’ve been shown numerous times to leave someone alone? Why keep hoping for someone to be loyal when they have shown they are not. How many times do you have to keep telling people your dreams only to realize everyone is not worthy of your deepest secrets? We are praying for someone to change when in actuality that is just who they are. And I am not saying don’t pray either. My point is why waste time hoping for someone to change when they can only change for themselves. Now in some instances it may be different for some people. If God is leading you to pray for a person by all means. However, there are other times when God is telling you that friendship or relationship has to end.
These scenarios helped me create a group that works for me, but I had to learn I can’t be so protective that I shut everything or everyone out either.
It takes a while to know people, but one thing that has helped is having a relationship with Christ and having his spirit. I have the discernment now to know who to choose or to watch. Now I see why all things work together for the good (Romans 8:28) because they do. I had to go through the phase of learning people in one season to know who to take and leave in the next. Everyone may not be a friend, but God does have those that stick closer than a brother. My life now has a different demand, and sometimes you don’t have to get rid of everyone, but we just need the wisdom to know everyone can’t be on the journey with us.
God does want us to have a great life. We have to learn the lessons quickly and recover. Dealing with the wrong people can leave you scarred, bitter, and hurt, but once I realized this only made me choose the right people so that I can have a peaceful life (not perfect). Now don’t get me wrong, I hated going through the process, but I can now see the result. Also, I had to ensure I wasn’t becoming the very thing I despised in those who hurt me. When I learned these experiences were only to help me live the abundant life I am supposed to live, my perspective changed. I can now rejoice because having a good life means having good people around us too.
Grace and Peace.